You are what you is.

I haven’t updated this in over half a year….where has the time gone?!

I have nothing in particular I want to say. Just wanted to chit chat for a second. lol

This year so far has been rocky….a little bit of a back and forth motion going on. The end of 2009 was very emotional and difficult for me. I had a lot of personal problems going on didn’t like my situation at all. I guess things are better. HE’s starting to leave my mind more and more….which is what happens eventually, right? You forget about people that no longer play a prominent role in your life. What do you do when you don’t WANT to forget?? I asked on fb if I’ll always miss the old days….got a couple of different answers but one girl said no…you’ll forget about them eventually. No matter what the reason is that you no longer speak to that person isn’t it sad that maybe…just maybe…one day you’ll forget all the good times you had?

Then there’s a situation that I WANT to forget. I STILL hurt from bad decisions made by both parties and I have NEVER cast out someone out of my life until now. I’ve had to do it to 3 people. 3 very IMPORTANT people that I would’ve rather not lost. However, it’s necessary and I’ll have to do my best to keep it that way. Besides….with all of the different networking sites I haven’t COMPLETELY expelled all of them out of my life. Guess I’m not ready to do it full force…unless they do it for me.

THIS YEAR, though, is going to rock the casbah. I’m moving to a place that I can’t yet disclose. I’m putting things and hurt and emotional distress behind me and hope that I can manage my bipolar disorder better this year. Thank God for my therapist and psychiatrist. They are my favorites. <3 lol I’m also getting married. MARRIED. (how do I make this font bigger?) MARRIED!!! To my Toddy Woddy. seven years. a baby. a trailer. and lots of drama later…I’ve finally earned enough love to be his wife.

You know, I don’t think I ever gush about how much I love Todd. I feel bad that other people may not have what me and Todd have. I would dare other couples to test their love and go through EVERYTHING that we have gone through and see if it passed the test. I doubt it. It may be our own stupidity, or it may be God constantly pushing us together cause we are what’s meant to be. God puts people in your life for certain amounts of time unknown…but it’s always for a reason. Either way. I love that tall, skinny, completely nerdy, weirdo named Todd. He’s a good boyfriend, better than I deserve. He’s a great father, that’s all I could ask for. He’s a very. very great friend, always got my back, yo. He comforts me when I need to be comforted. He makes me laugh even when it’s not appropriate. He’s really sacrificed alot of himself to be with me. He’s become kind and understanding and willing to educate himself on my disorder. He agreed to go to couples counseling with me and has gotten to know my therapist, who is a very important player in my life. He’s affectionate and loveable and kissable and squeezable. I can’t blame a friend for liking him……in the words of Moldy Peaches, I think, “I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else…but you.”

My son, my sweet sweet son is now five years old. HE is the apple of my eye. ying to my yang. ball to my chain. lol I’m kidding. He’s growing up so fast and I miss the days that I could just hold him forever and “spoil him.” (I don’t agree that holding a newborn baby for too long “spoils” them. They’re little babies…they’re meant to be held alot.) I used to have to hold his hand as he walked to keep him from falling over. We used to have to take turns driving him around the block to get him to sleep. He loves the coffeeshop and Jeffery which is a super plus in my book. I’d sing him his own little song everynight and rock him to sleep. Getting up in the middle of the night to check on his breathing…just because. He’d sleep in a little bassinet next to my bed and I could never stop staring at him. I’d lay him in my bed and just take picture after picture after picture because he was just so perfect in every way. God couldn’t have made a better human being for me. Now, he’s playful and silly and rambunctious. I have no idea how to spell that word. He’s a funny, funny kid and sweet and tender hearted. He’s not a bully but gets picked on sometimes and gets his feelings hurt alot because of it. I love him so much. He’s the best kid ever, even when he pisses me off. lol

I discovered the power of God. It feels so good. I’ve always failed to see how he’s affected my life and done everything for a reason to bring me to where I am today. Despite everything that’s happened, for better or for worse,  it was all for a greater purpose. I know am on my way to getting what I’ve always wanted in life and we’re headed towards a bright path. I’m so thankful for what I have in my life.

Maybe I’m just having a good day and tomorrow I’ll be all down and depressed but for now that’s what I have to say.

Hopefully I’ll be up for blogging some more tomorrow. Wish I could tell y’all what is REALLY going on in my life! We have BIG plans!!! Soon enough. Soon enough.

i successfully made chicken noodle soup. finally something edible!

http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes.aspx/chicken-noodle-soup

Ok, so I’ve been looking around on facebook/myspace and looking at  different friends’ pictures and what not. I’m going to be 25 this year, I’m kinda freaking out about it cause I don’t want to be 25 at all.

BUT MAN some people really show their age! Maybe it’s just me but alot of my friends don’t look 25 or whatever their age may be…but some people I know look at LEAST 25 if not older. Particularly one girl who I remember being the most beautiful girl at school hands down. NOW she looks 30-ish…early 30′s I’d say. How awkward is it that your most beautiful years were in high school and junior high. NOT to say that the younger you are the p rettier you are.

I know this is a shallow post but seriously. I don’t want to get old. Or look old. Or be old. Or act old. I want nothing to do with getting oldER. However, I AM glad that I still have at least the essence of youth on my side. You’re only as old as you feel, right?

I am so bored I don’t know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Todd likes the pink and orange starbursts and I like the red and yellow ones. I knew we were meant to be.

I had a dream that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I ran into Amber and JoJo and some other girl, who was really annoying, at the mall.

It was a boy.

I always wake up happy when I have dreams that I’m pregz.

my friend, v, introduced me to this thing called colorgenics. it’s usually dead on. here’s mine for today.

You are so adamant at this time, you are not willing to concede to anything. You are dictatorial with your own ideas and the way you are feeling and there is little that anyone can do to make you change your mind, or to be able to persuade you to make concessions or to accept any compromise.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can’t be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy – be it only for a short time.

At times one is burdened with more than one’s fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant – you know what you wish to achieve – and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

You refuse to relax or to give in and you are endeavouring to keep exhaustion and depression at bay by keeping active. You are experiencing a relationship or a situation which is not satisfactory but you feel powerless to change it. You have that ‘need to be needed’ but you do little to achieve the sense of belonging that you need. You try to disguise your feelings of insecurity and so you continue to resist this state of affairs – and as a consequence you are experiencing tension and stress. Your depression makes you irritable and impatient. You have that urge to get away from the situation, either actually or mentally. You are finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate.

Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled physical or emotional needs are producing considerable stress. You react to this by blaming everyone but yourself. You are aggressive, sarcastic and embittered. Try to be understanding and a little flexible – it will pay dividends in the long run. and it could well be that accordingly all of your dreams could soon be realised.

what’s the verdict?